Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Big Fat Pity Party

So this is going to be a bit of a pity party--be prepared. . .

How did I get to be a full-time employee in a Corporate (with a capital C) company? How did I go from poo foot and puke on my sweatpants to PowerPoint and ID badges? And how do I deal with the overwhelming and crushing guilt that keeps me up at night?

Oh wait, it is really QT who is still keeping me up at night because I have yet to cut the cord and make sure he is put back in his bed after each feeding. I usually wake up in the morning with him wedged in my armpit, while I have contorted my body into something that resembles both the fetal position and a backbend.

I am not sure if I was mentally prepared for this big of a change in my life. I am not sure I will ever be able to adjust to the role of "working" mother, because clearly, I was barely holding it together when I was working part-time. As my sister, who has it much more together than I ever will--with two-kids, a very demanding work schedule and who is on the partner track at her law firm told me--"this is just your new normal."

I wish there was a summer vacation involved.

I wish there were mornings where I didn't have to kick QT off the boob in order to get in the shower on time, mornings where I didn't have to leave before the Ladies woke up.

I wish that I had more than two pairs of pants, two pairs of flats and three cardigans that are work appropriate. I wish that three of those things weren't right now sitting on my dresser covered in baby puke.

I wish that after I paid the sitters there was something to show for it (perhaps a new shirt, because seriously, it is getting pretty dire, I really was wearing entirely too many pairs of yoga pants and until I drop the last of the baby weight, I am not squeezing in, sausage style, to some of my sweaters.)

I wish that 10-3 was the standard work day.

I wish that the copious amounts of peanut M&M's I have consumed in the last few weeks to combat my stress didn't taste so delicious.

I wish that all the Halloween parades and playdates and school events that I will miss in the next few weeks and months and years will be worth it.


I wish that my "new normal" affords us the opportunity to grow as a family, to take advantage of the time we do have together, and for me to provide the purple room with the bunkbeds that the Lady wants and a yard for her to run and run and run.


  1. i wish that i currently had a job where i could make decent money w/out working 17 hrs/day so that if i ever have kids i dont have to send them out into the same workforce at age 12 like i had to. everything is 50/50 bean and it bites, but ur too bad-ass of a mom that ur work schedule will ever get in the way. loves u!

  2. My sweet Beanie. I wish there was some solace I could offer or some platitude to help make this better. Unfortunately there isn't an easy answer to trying to do and be it all. No matter what the reasons. What it boils down to is making a decision and then seeing where it leads you and your family. Yes, there are always the things we end up giving up when we have to make a hard choice. Children are precious and resilient at the same time. They do adjust and so do we. You will make your transition and if you allow yourself to let go of your guilt and enjoy what your "new normal" brings, you may just learn to appreciate the best of both worlds. In the meantime, know that you are loved and supported in whatever choices you make. Love you! Aunt Nancy

  3. Denise, first of all congrats again. Second of all, you are right about the 50/50 and the fact that it bites. I just wish someone would pay me to raise my own kids! I do know that there is something to say about instilling a work ethic in kids, but here is to hoping that yours don't have to apply it until they are at least 12.5 years old. I love you much.

    A. Nancy--Thank you. I think once I get some sleep and some consistant childcare things will look a little better! Love you.

  4. I have the GREATEST best friend in the world! Who by the way is a wonderful writer.
    I wish I could give her everything she wishes for....and someday I will.
    We will be able to pick out our new house out of the New York Times Mag just like when we were kids.
    Our dream will come true...someday.