Friday, January 13, 2012

But Why? Or How to Answer Your Toddler's Pressing Questions Without Banging Your Head Against a Wall

The other morning the Lady asked me if I was saving for college. She followed it up by asking if I was using the Gerber Life College Plan.

This interaction made me realize three things:
1. The Lady is watching too much TV
2. I am not saving enough for College; and
3. My kids ask entirely too many questions.

What's that you say? Asking questions is one of the ways that children learn about their environment? That a interested, engaged child who is curious about what is going on around them will become an interesting, engaged adult who will contribute positively to society? (Ok, I kind of made that second thing up, but it sounds like something you would read on an online parenting site or some judgmental mom's blog.)

Well, I say that these questions are becoming too frequent and too hard to answer. One day the Lady asked me what Chemistry was. I almost told her it was a class that I took in High School that I was clearly not smart enough for, because people in that class actually went on to become real Scientists and I am blogging about poop and cracked nipples.

Instead, I formulated some half-assed response that only led to more questions and more inaccurate answers that involved everything from the use of plastics to Sid the Science Kid.

The worst part is that her father and I told her that "because" wasn't a good enough answer to a question. Talk about biting yourself in the ass. Now I can't even use that answer because she will just say, "because isn't a good enough answer." Ugh.

I have since decided that any difficult or hard to explain answer to any of her questions will be either, magic or Jesus.

The funny thing is that last night as I was cleaning up from Quesadilla Night and formulating the beginnings of this blog post in my head, my husband used magic as an answer to one of the Lady's questions about how some plastic thing worked that you turn inside out and then it pops up into the air (and yes, lands in sour cream--thanks for asking) that she thought was very fun to play with and not in the least bit annoying.

What struck me were three things:
1. My husband and I are clearly on some sort of cosmic wavelength, which would explain why we kick ass in things like Pictionary and Taboo (although no one holds a candle to the teaming of my sister and I in these games. Dead cat on a lawn = Rigormortis, we are that good).
2. Sour cream is delicious.
3. Magic is a perfectly good answer to many questions.

Ah. . .the simplicity of it all. This is going to save me some serious explaining.

I mean these kids believe in Santa (magic), they are being educated at church-run nursery schools (Jesus and guilt both work in this scenario), it is perfect.

Why is the sky blue? Magic

Why do I have to go to bed? Jesus

How did you and daddy make QT? Magic, sweet, sweet magic

Why do you have a tattoo? Jesus

(In the most whiny voice possible)


Because Jesus said she could use the magic iPad.

I mean hours of your day might become available for other things. I might actually be able to get back to the gym. This may become a parenting revolution. I might write books to rival Dr. Sears.

Really my readers, where else are you going to find such simple answers to their endless questions? It isn't like there is some machine out there that you can just type questions into and it spits out thousands of comprehensive (though at times possibly incorrect) answers to appease these little children and their insatiable hunger for knowledge.

I mean something like that would have to be real magic and endorsed by Jesus (or Tim Tebow).


For any of you religious folks out there upset by my use of Jesus in this post, I want to let you know that I may or may not be referring to Our Lord and Saviour, but perhaps to Jesus (Hey-zeus) a local Hispanic man with McGuyver-like skills and resources.

For any of you fans of magic (I am talking to you Neil Patrick Harris) that I might have offended, I may or may not be speaking of the art of illusion, but of Los Angeles Lakers great Magic Johnson. I mean he kind of beat AIDS, which is pretty impressive.


  1. i am dying laughing here- this blog will do well to prep for kids. too funny!

  2. This is my all time favorite post Bean! BRILLIANT! (: