Friday, March 30, 2012

Dear Alicia Silverstone

Cher: Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.

Dear Alicia,

Oh Alicia, where do I begin? Do I join the throngs of others out there passing judgement on you because of the way you choose to feed your baby, Bear?

Do I dare chime in on your parenting choices, when mine have been at times pretty questionable as well?

I mean I have given my own kids food that had already been in my mouth. I have used my teeth to cut down larger pieces of grapes or pasta into manageable sizes. Do I make a habit of premasticating my own food and then dropping it momma bird style into QT's mouth? Um. No.

But germs are everywhere in our house. I have kissed my kids full on in the mouth while their nose has been running. Oh, and what these kids do in the bathroom--for the love of God, please do not eat that cheese stick in there. And wash your hands! Wash your hands!

I am assuming you don't have any communicable diseases that you may be passing onto your kid. I also am under the assumption that Bear Blu doesn't eat all his meals this way--please, please tell me that is true.

While there is a huge ick factor in your practice, even more so because I hate, hate, hate anything that has to do with mouth mucus. The thought of seeing spit on the sidewalk makes my stomach turn and the idea that all that saliva is being passed around is made much worse by the fact that you are eating "miso soup, collards and radish steamed and drizzled with flax oil, cast iron mochi with nori wrapped outside, and some grated daikon,” for breakfast.

I mean really? Despite my attempt at the french toast bake we are pretty much a Frosted Mini-Wheats family. Miso soup for breakfast.? Gross.

Also, despite the fact that my only real association with premasticated food is the most horrifying and frightening episode of the X-Files--where a family of inbred sons would feed their mother, who was all kinds of jacked up and lived under the bed, by puking into her mouth--I actually don't have a problem with the way you feed your kid.

It really isn't any of my business and he seems to enjoy it. Also, let's be honest here, both of us are eventually going to have to answer for some of the stuff we post on our blogs about our kids, and maybe this will embarrass him in the future, but he isn't suffering for it now.

The thing that actually bothers me is that you are so goddamn exuberant about it.

Like you are the mother of the year because not only are you vegan and write cookbooks, and spent the first two months of your kids life indoors just bonding, just living off your nuanced and frankly spectacular performance as Cher in "Clueless" but that I am somehow less because QT doesn't get all giddy in anticipation when he sees me stuffing some veggie sticks in my mouth.

I mean am I failing as a mom because I don't have time in my day to [insert your own shortcoming here--read, dance, bathe, craft, bake, bring to park, pre-chew food] and you do? Cause that is kind of how it is coming off.

Maybe I am just jealous of your energy and your ability to spend so much time with your kid. Maybe I just have to realize that it isn't the quantity of premasticated food I am giving my kids, but the quality.

So Alicia, I say continue to do what you do to make yourself and especially your child happy. As long as he is healthy and thriving--who am I to judge? Just do me a favor, don't make it seem like your way is the best way because nobody likes a mom who thinks she knows it all.

Not trying to be way harsh,


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