Dear Jennifer Garner, Some Advice from a Mom of Three

Dear Jen,

I can call you Jen right? I mean out of all the celebrity moms out there, you seem the most down to earth and approachable.

The photos I see of you in US Weekly, are usually of you doing normal mom things like taking your kids to ballet or actually playing with them at the park. I like to think that if I ran into you in some weird hypothetical situation that we could dispense with all the awkwardness that is talking to random moms on the playground and actually have a nice discussion about raising children. Not sure if that would happen with say, Angelina or Gwyneth.

I will say that I feel like we have a little bit of a connection. You married a tall, dark-haired man, who seems highly devoted to the ladies in his life, and with the exception of that other Jennifer/Bennifer/Gigli time period, really seems like a guy who has his head on straight. My husband and I both enjoyed The Town with Ben and that guy from the Hurt Locker. Armageddon never fails to tug at my heart strings either. My boyfriend is back--indeed.

And like my husband, Ben said that he knew girls and was a good father to them.

"I would have thought [he wanted a boy]. At first...I really thought so," the Arthur actress told Jay Leno in January. "And then [Ben] kind of said, 'Well, we have girls. We know how to do girls. My girls love me. I'm the big guy in the house.' So, now I'm not sure."

Read more: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-moms/news/pregnant-jen-garner-and-ben-affleck-birth-announcement-2012282#ixzz1nnk8k3io

Oh Ben.

Granted, I never had and will never have that kick-ass bod you sported in your Alias days, but we are both women in our 30's who sport a lot of jeans and t-shirts and who have three kids. More specifically, two girls and a little boy.

So, let me stop right here and congratulate you on the birth of your baby boy. I have been scouring usweekly.com for name confirmation and was happy to see that he is named Samuel and not Siren or Sailor or some other equally ridiculous nautical-themed name.

But what I really want to address here is some advice that I wish some of my moms of boys would have doled out earlier. Like me, I can only imagine you have lived the last few years adrift in a sea of pink princesses and glitter. Your girls may be all about ballet and crafts or even if they love cars and football, I guarantee you they never spend a great deal of time with their hands down their pants.

I have blogged before about Poo Foot and Other Daily Disasters, but what my moms of boys forgot to inform me of is that in addition to numerous instances of poo foot, that poo hand occurs so frequently that you will soon find yourself holding down your precious baby boy's arms, while Ben frantically tries to wipe him clean before he wriggles free and goes for his junk, again--only to have his hands, and anything else he can come in contact with, covered in poop.

Ah, the joys of raising a boy.

I guess I knew to expect that there would be some serious hand to the balls time. I like to remind QT when he reaches down to check things out that it is indeed, still there.  However, I didn't realize that there would be so much hand to the balls to the poop to the sheet and the changing table and the pj's...well you get my point. Consider yourself warned.

So, Jen, again I offer you congratulations. Enjoy every moment of these early days. Give your ladies big kisses and congratulate them on being big sisters. Inform them often to NOT get so close to his face and scream, and be mindful that at some point soon, you will find glitter all over Samuel and possibly your boobs.

Tell Ben I said "hi" and give him props on his Eastern Congo Initiative.

Yours in all things lovely little ladies and beautiful baby boys,

Bean

Blog A Day 'Til Baby (BADTB) Post 13: Glitter Be Gone

I promise you all out there if I ever bring you a gift that is covered in or includes glitter, you can buy my children the loudest, brightest most annoying toys out there in return.

In all seriousness--Do. Not. Bring. More. Glitter. Into. This. House.

We have a princess coloring book that is a "color wonder" product. What this means is that you can only use specific markers on the paper provided and these markers will not color on other paper or your bedspread, your kitchen table or your terribly inappropriate white couches. However, each piece of paper is also covered with what I can only describe as an excessive amount of glitter.

The Ladies of course love this craft.

They played with it in their room the other morning and since then I have found glitter on the Little Lady's eyebrows and in her diaper. The Lady, since she still runs around in just undies in the house, has it all over her belly and her legs. The bottom of both their feet look like a disco ball and since they love to spend so much time in my bed, my sheets are starting to sparkle.

Yesterday morning, my husband drove us down to my sisters to help us pack up the mini-van so we could get everyone out to LI. When I sat down in the passenger seat next to him and looked over at his face I couldn't believe the amount of glitter that was in his hair on on the side of his face. His ear was covered, he literally looked like he had been ear-fucked by a glitter fairy. That, or he had somehow made his way out to some all night rave. I had to check out the Little Lady's crib to make sure none of her pacifiers were missing (yes, I know she is almost two and still uses a paci, but it is only for naps and nighttime and right now I am not willing to try to wean her off when we will be introducing another person into her life.) Turns out they were all accounted for, and he had just been involved in some early morning craft time with the Ladies.

The vacuum has come out, but it doesn't seem to be able to get the whole job done. I am pretty sure that the new baby will be exposed to a glitter boob or two in the first few days of its life (that is if he or she finally decides to show up soon!)

Stay tuned and for the love of god do not bring us any glitter encrusted baby gifts!