Thursday, May 3, 2012

The Things we Do for Our Kids: Or Is that a Bathing Suit or a Dress from Forever 21?

I went to a shower a couple of weeks ago for my cousin's fiancee. It was in Massachusetts, about two hours from my house. (It was a lovely shower and I am super psyched for the wedding and very grateful my in-laws are taking the kids!)

My husband happened to be out of town that week and all my moms sisters were going to be there so a plan was hatched to have a girls weekend with my sisters, my mom and my aunts, the Ladies and the Wild Woman (the Wild Man stayed home with his dad) and of course, QT.

This involved getting all of my kids ready and in Minnie-Ru for an 8 a.m. departure time. We threw the extra captain's chair in and my sister and the Wild Woman (who serenaded us with songs in a singing voice that rivals mine in lack of tone) rode along with us.

Next stop: College.

We rolled up on Springfield College around 10 a.m. and unloaded four kids, four bags, and four strollers with my little sister and three of her friends. 

I must say I was pretty impressed with my sister and her friends, it was a super nice day and they clearly could have been drinking beers and hanging out on the field in front of their place, but instead they were helping us out.

Two things I miss the most about college are napping and just hanging out with my friends on a nice day. One thing I don't miss? How gross the toilets are in co-ed townhouses, where the boys are not taking their cleaning at all seriously.

The Wild Woman and the Little Lady enjoying college
Anyway, after the shower we had to go pick up the kids and bring them back to the hotel. There was a pool there, but in my rush to get everything organized, I didn't pack my "all-black mom bathing suit with skirt" to not only cover my fat ass but to eliminate the need for shaving. I also didn't pack a suit for the Ladies because all of their summer stuff is in some Rubbermaid bucket in the attic of our garage. Luckily, the Wild Woman is a swimmer and her mom had packed two suits so at least the Little Lady was covered.

So my mom and my aunt ran to Marshall's to pick up a suit for the Lady and me. My only requirement was something with a skirt. (Clearly, I didn't bring a razor.)

This is the photo of the suit I got.

Now, mind you, I quickly looked at this photo on my phone and thought "looks like a halter, the ruching might help my tummy" and then agreed to wear it.

So we got to the hotel and the only thing any of the girls want to do was go swimming.

I must say that the difference between the photo and the physical reality of the bathing suit that I was holding in my hands was quite large.

You know what wasn't large? The surface area to cover my boobs. I know, looking at the pic you would think "well that top looks like it has ample space to house, post-pregnancy, still breastfeeding (on one side) breasts," but I assure you it was not.

I didn't realize that the neckline was so J-Lo-in-that-green-dress plunging. I didn't realize that I would look like I was trying to squeeze into some hoochie-mama's prom dress that she picked up at Forever 21.

So there wasn't enough fabric to cover my boobs, but there was plenty of fabric to cover everywhere else. It was hoochie-mama on top, woman in the late 1800s/Hasidic Jewish woman on the bottom.

The skirt on this thing was long enough that had I not shaved my legs, it wouldn't have mattered. I started to think that if I just flipped the skirt and tucked it into my cleavage, I might have the makings of a practical bathing suit.

So here I was, in an ill fitting bathing suit, on constant vigil for a nip slip, in a hotel pool in the middle of Massachusetts, and despite the initial wave of crushing embarrassment and low self esteem, none of that really mattered.

The Ladies were having a great time in the pool. They were jumping and playing and trying to swim, and they were just so excited to be in the water and to have me with them. After a few minutes the fear of exposing everyone subsided and I too, was able to enjoy it.

I would also like to think that I did a little public service that day. I am hoping that the sight of me, with my mom mammaries on full view, prompted the high school couple in the deep end who were deep mouth kissing and grinding to throw on an extra condom when they made their way up to their room as to prevent any unwanted teen pregnancies.


  1. Hilarious! It looked just fine and welcome to the family mammaries which don't seem to improve even when not nursing! They are still the bane of dress shopping as they tend to jack up the dress size to something just shy of a little humiliating at times!
    It was so enjoyable seeing all the girls and Quinn!!! They're adorable and I look forward to the next time!!! Love, Aunt Nancy

  2. I still think that a picture of you actually wearing the bathing suit would make this one of the best posts ever, but until you see it from my perspective I will just have to rely on the visual in my head. Luckily from that day I also have the visual of the ring around the boys' toliet in the dorm that I am still having nightmares about.

    1. I did contemplate showing the photo. Perhaps one day my readers will be rewarded. I am just grateful the Lady's head blocks the full-on boob salad that was on display.